Back in the Saddle Again
I came back from maternity leave two weeks ago and it has been a fun, anxious, and fulfilling two weeks back.
When my maternity leave started, I actually really struggled with loneliness -- going from my job, which involves talking to and being around people all day to being with Charlie all day. She is the best baby ever; however, she is still not quite the best conversationalist. The challenge was figuring out how to fill my days while adjusting to my new life. At first, going to the grocery store felt like I had run a marathon physically (and while I'm at it, learning how to enter the world with a baby in tow is a whole new learning curve. My first time going to the grocery store, I though I could put her car seat in a cart and didn't bring my stroller with me... and as you can see below... that didn't work too well. Thankfully, my sister-in-law was with me and could carry our basket of groceries also since nothing else fit in the cart).
At the end of the day, I would think about what I had "accomplished" so-to-speak for the day, and would kind of groan that all (my internal monologue: ALL Caroline, are you lazy? How have you done nothing but...) I had done was go to the grocery store. It was certainly an adjustment for this to-do list driven, loves getting things done, loves being busy, type A Mom. When Johnny would get home at the end of the day, I never really felt like I needed to thrust Charlie off on him as some people describe, but I soaked up conversation and the adult interaction.
Eventually, it got easier as I figured out how to re-enter the world together with Charlie. Some of it was Charlie getting easier as she got older -- it's certainly easier to leave the house when she isn't eating every 2 hours, some of it was me physically recovering, and some of it was me learning our new routines.
Coming back to work has required the same kind of adjustment in routines and rhythms, a lot of which does not actually have to do with work itself but the adjustment in how I spend my day while working. For example, as it turns out (!), getting more than just yourself ready in the morning takes a lot of time. The first morning that I went into the office, I woke up at 6:15, didn't get to the office until 9:15, and let's just say that I didn't have a leisurely work out and breakfast. In a slip of the tongue, badly messing up the correct phrase, I said to Johnny that it was as though I was running with the chickens and our heads were cut off (mine and the chickens, obviously), but honestly, that about summed it up. Leaving the house, I felt like a sherpa carrying my work bag, my bag of pumping supplies (I could wax poetic about all of the things I have learned on this topic, perhaps that is another post all together), my cooler (for the aforementioned pumping experience), Charlie's daycare bag, a coffee, and... of course, Charlie, herself!
As is no surprise to anyone who knows me, I've had my fair share of tears when I leave Charlie at day care - especially last week. I check the daycare app more times than I would care to mention to see what she is up to throughout the day. I race to pick her up as early as I possibly can. What does make it a bit easier is that it appears that Charlie really likes being at daycare, and our daycare seems to have a group of teachers who are very loving. Charlie already seems to be learning new things - like how to sit and how to hold her own bottle, so this seems like it is a good next step for her.
With that, I would be lying if I said there isn't an adjustment in getting back to work as well. I think one of the biggest challenges for me is feeling like I need to prove myself immediately in getting back to work. That - after 20 weeks away - I am no longer valuable any more and I need to prove that it is worth keeping me. To be clear, this is 100% self-imposed anxiety as I am in a very fortunate situation that my leadership team is very supportive of me and frankly, very loving in welcoming me back to work. So, as several very wise people have reminded me, I (a) do not need to re-prove myself as I have done this over the past 8 years of working at IBM, (b) need to give myself some runway to get up to speed and (c) need to be patient as things fall into place. I feel like I am sitting here jumping up and down yelling at the world "put me in, coach!"
So, here we are, two weeks in and my calendar is starting to fill up, I'm re-engaging into the world of the thinking and talking to focus on really exciting and challenging work, and I get to be with and around some of my favorite people during the day (minus one very favorite person who I spent my past 20 weeks with). It feels really good to contribute and be productive. I'm starting to be back in the saddle again...
When my maternity leave started, I actually really struggled with loneliness -- going from my job, which involves talking to and being around people all day to being with Charlie all day. She is the best baby ever; however, she is still not quite the best conversationalist. The challenge was figuring out how to fill my days while adjusting to my new life. At first, going to the grocery store felt like I had run a marathon physically (and while I'm at it, learning how to enter the world with a baby in tow is a whole new learning curve. My first time going to the grocery store, I though I could put her car seat in a cart and didn't bring my stroller with me... and as you can see below... that didn't work too well. Thankfully, my sister-in-law was with me and could carry our basket of groceries also since nothing else fit in the cart).
At the end of the day, I would think about what I had "accomplished" so-to-speak for the day, and would kind of groan that all (my internal monologue: ALL Caroline, are you lazy? How have you done nothing but...) I had done was go to the grocery store. It was certainly an adjustment for this to-do list driven, loves getting things done, loves being busy, type A Mom. When Johnny would get home at the end of the day, I never really felt like I needed to thrust Charlie off on him as some people describe, but I soaked up conversation and the adult interaction.
Eventually, it got easier as I figured out how to re-enter the world together with Charlie. Some of it was Charlie getting easier as she got older -- it's certainly easier to leave the house when she isn't eating every 2 hours, some of it was me physically recovering, and some of it was me learning our new routines.
Coming back to work has required the same kind of adjustment in routines and rhythms, a lot of which does not actually have to do with work itself but the adjustment in how I spend my day while working. For example, as it turns out (!), getting more than just yourself ready in the morning takes a lot of time. The first morning that I went into the office, I woke up at 6:15, didn't get to the office until 9:15, and let's just say that I didn't have a leisurely work out and breakfast. In a slip of the tongue, badly messing up the correct phrase, I said to Johnny that it was as though I was running with the chickens and our heads were cut off (mine and the chickens, obviously), but honestly, that about summed it up. Leaving the house, I felt like a sherpa carrying my work bag, my bag of pumping supplies (I could wax poetic about all of the things I have learned on this topic, perhaps that is another post all together), my cooler (for the aforementioned pumping experience), Charlie's daycare bag, a coffee, and... of course, Charlie, herself!
As is no surprise to anyone who knows me, I've had my fair share of tears when I leave Charlie at day care - especially last week. I check the daycare app more times than I would care to mention to see what she is up to throughout the day. I race to pick her up as early as I possibly can. What does make it a bit easier is that it appears that Charlie really likes being at daycare, and our daycare seems to have a group of teachers who are very loving. Charlie already seems to be learning new things - like how to sit and how to hold her own bottle, so this seems like it is a good next step for her.
With that, I would be lying if I said there isn't an adjustment in getting back to work as well. I think one of the biggest challenges for me is feeling like I need to prove myself immediately in getting back to work. That - after 20 weeks away - I am no longer valuable any more and I need to prove that it is worth keeping me. To be clear, this is 100% self-imposed anxiety as I am in a very fortunate situation that my leadership team is very supportive of me and frankly, very loving in welcoming me back to work. So, as several very wise people have reminded me, I (a) do not need to re-prove myself as I have done this over the past 8 years of working at IBM, (b) need to give myself some runway to get up to speed and (c) need to be patient as things fall into place. I feel like I am sitting here jumping up and down yelling at the world "put me in, coach!"
So, here we are, two weeks in and my calendar is starting to fill up, I'm re-engaging into the world of the thinking and talking to focus on really exciting and challenging work, and I get to be with and around some of my favorite people during the day (minus one very favorite person who I spent my past 20 weeks with). It feels really good to contribute and be productive. I'm starting to be back in the saddle again...
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