Ending the Plague of Secret Parenting
I haven't written a blog post in a while; as I prepare to go on maternity leave, the frenzy of wrapping things up, transitioning, and still having time for my family has meant that I have less time to indulge in my passion projects like this blog. Another thing that I had let drop recently, which is one of my favorite things that I do with my team is my Team Roche Book Club - but as I transition more and more to my team, I was able to schedule TWO book club meetings before I go out on leave. This had dropped because I felt the need to refresh myself on some parenting-related reading, including the new release Crib Sheet; while this book is not necessarily appropriate for the Team Roche Book Club, which focuses on more professional development / leadership development type books, it is on my must-read list for any prospective parent (for the record, so is Emily Oster's other book, Expecting Better). Both books focus on a data-driven approach to analyzing the common issues that arise in pregnancy and parenting (How bad is drinking? Is breastfeeding really better? Will sleep training ruin my relationship with my child?) that I really appreciated especially in light of how many seemingly wacko and certainly polarizing blogs, articles, etc. that there are on these topics. I've always felt that most of the literature on parenting falls back on scare topics as opposed to rational thoughtful discussions and so really appreciated Emily Oster's writing style and approach.
So, it will be no surprise that when I saw this article that she wrote in the Atlantic about ending the plague of secret parenting , I had to drop what I was doing and read it.
It was fascinating to me ... and echoed a lot of the things that I've tried to do or be as a parent and a leader.
As a bit of context, when I was pregnant with Charlie, a woman who I really respect told me that her best advice to me was not to hide when I needed to do things for my children. She told me that she had often observed a lot of women being secretive with respect to their parenting duties; and she thought that this ultimately backfired in multiple ways, including that the women themselves felt stretched and like they were not performing optimally and that it made it harder for other parents (note: not just women) to do the things that they needed to do for their families. She said she always felt as though people in the office respected her for being transparent about what she needed to do in her personal life.
Part of why I started this blog was to write publicly about being a working mom so that people on my team could hear first hand about the experiences of being a young working mom. Like the women in this article, my peers and leaders are predominately men; unlike the women in this article, people in my workplace do talk a lot about their families. However, many of my peers and leaders have children who are in or out of college; so my experiences as a mom to an 18-month old and a soon-to-be newborn are quite different than theirs.
I really try to be open and honest about my parenting responsibilities (and joys!). I'm happy to review stuff at night, but I generally try not to sacrifice time with Charlie and so unless something is super time sensitive, I tell people that I am going to play with Charlie and get her dinner and then take a look. When Charlie is home sick, or when Charlie needs to go to the doctor, or when I have to go pick up Charlie, I try to just say that is what is going on.
Has this reflected poorly on me at work? I don't think so. I feel like most people are empathetic or don't mind moving schedules around to accommodate the schedule constraints that I have because I have a younger child. Maybe there are times where it has been annoying or irritating to people on the other end of the phone, but I am doing my best to keep the balls in the air, and so I can't feel bad about it.
There are times where it is certainly less ideal. Culturally, IBM has a lot of phone calls in the 5-6:30 hour because client meetings have wrapped up and this is often an open time for people to catch up on the "IBM" work. So, there are times where I have to be on calls at night. Sometimes, Charlie is patient with this and entertains herself. Sometimes, Charlie is wanting attention and is crying in the background. Johnny and I generally try to help each other out with this, but there are always times where traffic is bad or Johnny gets caught up at work. Babies and toddlers cry. Part of my reality is that I really like my job and I really love my daughter.
One thing that Johnny said to me recently that really struck me was, "I am not embarrassed for people to find out that Charlie is my priority." I've written about how I feel guilt sometimes about balancing both - and worry about "not doing enough" - but I have found that reflecting on this statement as a mantra has helped me change my mindset.
The thing that has been funny to me about this blog - and about opening up on these topics - is that though I originally intended for this to help the younger females on my team, I hear from as many Dad's as I do other people about how the things I've written about resonate with them. Like the article says, "Parenting is not a mom-only activity. Men also want to see their kids, to be there for dinner, for bedtime."
So - here's to being open and honest about what it takes to be a parent of a young child - hopefully, that helps everyone - parents and non-parents alike - achieve a modicum of balance to tackle the reality that life happens, even when you are working.
So, it will be no surprise that when I saw this article that she wrote in the Atlantic about ending the plague of secret parenting , I had to drop what I was doing and read it.
It was fascinating to me ... and echoed a lot of the things that I've tried to do or be as a parent and a leader.
As a bit of context, when I was pregnant with Charlie, a woman who I really respect told me that her best advice to me was not to hide when I needed to do things for my children. She told me that she had often observed a lot of women being secretive with respect to their parenting duties; and she thought that this ultimately backfired in multiple ways, including that the women themselves felt stretched and like they were not performing optimally and that it made it harder for other parents (note: not just women) to do the things that they needed to do for their families. She said she always felt as though people in the office respected her for being transparent about what she needed to do in her personal life.
Part of why I started this blog was to write publicly about being a working mom so that people on my team could hear first hand about the experiences of being a young working mom. Like the women in this article, my peers and leaders are predominately men; unlike the women in this article, people in my workplace do talk a lot about their families. However, many of my peers and leaders have children who are in or out of college; so my experiences as a mom to an 18-month old and a soon-to-be newborn are quite different than theirs.
I really try to be open and honest about my parenting responsibilities (and joys!). I'm happy to review stuff at night, but I generally try not to sacrifice time with Charlie and so unless something is super time sensitive, I tell people that I am going to play with Charlie and get her dinner and then take a look. When Charlie is home sick, or when Charlie needs to go to the doctor, or when I have to go pick up Charlie, I try to just say that is what is going on.
Has this reflected poorly on me at work? I don't think so. I feel like most people are empathetic or don't mind moving schedules around to accommodate the schedule constraints that I have because I have a younger child. Maybe there are times where it has been annoying or irritating to people on the other end of the phone, but I am doing my best to keep the balls in the air, and so I can't feel bad about it.
There are times where it is certainly less ideal. Culturally, IBM has a lot of phone calls in the 5-6:30 hour because client meetings have wrapped up and this is often an open time for people to catch up on the "IBM" work. So, there are times where I have to be on calls at night. Sometimes, Charlie is patient with this and entertains herself. Sometimes, Charlie is wanting attention and is crying in the background. Johnny and I generally try to help each other out with this, but there are always times where traffic is bad or Johnny gets caught up at work. Babies and toddlers cry. Part of my reality is that I really like my job and I really love my daughter.
One thing that Johnny said to me recently that really struck me was, "I am not embarrassed for people to find out that Charlie is my priority." I've written about how I feel guilt sometimes about balancing both - and worry about "not doing enough" - but I have found that reflecting on this statement as a mantra has helped me change my mindset.
The thing that has been funny to me about this blog - and about opening up on these topics - is that though I originally intended for this to help the younger females on my team, I hear from as many Dad's as I do other people about how the things I've written about resonate with them. Like the article says, "Parenting is not a mom-only activity. Men also want to see their kids, to be there for dinner, for bedtime."
So - here's to being open and honest about what it takes to be a parent of a young child - hopefully, that helps everyone - parents and non-parents alike - achieve a modicum of balance to tackle the reality that life happens, even when you are working.
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