Dispatch from Parental Leave -- an Argument in Favor of It
This week marks the midpoint of my maternity leave, which is both easy and hard to believe. There have been many times that I have thought about writing an update post, but time and life got away from me in the chaos of a new baby, a move (we may be completely delusional, but we moved into a new house 10 days after Jack was born. Subsequently, 10 days later, our basement flooded, so we had to move everything back out of the basement, which included a lot of boxes that we hadn't unpacked that were wet. UGH!), etc etc etc.
Jack is an incredible addition to our family. We are so lucky because he is an easy, peaceful little guy who basically only cries to communicate with us about being hungry. Charlie LOVES him, and smothers “her baby” with kisses as much as she can. Charlie has stayed in daycare while I’m out, and it has been funny because all the kids in her class are fascinated by the baby but when jack and I arrive to pick her up, she stands on the side of the stroller and tells them not to touch him while she kisses his feet. Every morning the first thing she asks is where “Jackie” is, and runs to see him before giving her dad or me hugs.
There are things that are harder, for sure. Without a doubt, chasing a 20-month old while having a newborn is definitely hard. For all intents and purposes, Charlie is practically a baby herself. She isn't potty trained, she still likes to be held when we go up and down the stairs, she was still in the crib when we brought Jack home from the hospital (but has since transitioned to a big girl bed so her brother can use her crib). Having two babies so close in age is an adventure and exhausting (shout out to parents of multiples -- WOW! you are amazing). With Charlie, Johnny and I often stayed up until 10:30 or 11, trying to stretch her last feeding to allow ourselves a more consistent stretch of sleep. With Jack, we have basically been asleep by 9:30 at the latest. After a full day, we are both pretty worn out.
One thing that has been a lovely difference from my leave with Charlie is that I was on leave with Charlie from November - March - so we were essentially cooped up inside all day every day; whereas with Jack, it has been the height of summer, and so I have gotten to enjoy being outside and Jack and I go on a long walk almost every day. On these long walks, I have been enjoying podcasts - and especially enjoying listening to Poppy Harlow's boss files, Superwomen with Rebecca Minkoff, and Katie Couric's podcast series, and one thing that I (... of course, given the subject of this blog and the current time in my life) really find interesting is hearing these wildly successful people talk about their family life and how they strive for work / life balance.
What really kicked me into gear to write a post was reading an op-ed from Alexis Ohanian, venture capitalist and founder of Reddit, who is also Serena Williams' husband arguing in favor of parental leave. I could wax poetic about how I think driving consistency in policies between men and women is the one thing that will actually drive gender equality in the workforce, but for now, I will focus on my own experience these past 9 weeks.
I am incredibly, incredibly lucky that I have had really easy pregnancies and really easy deliveries. With Jack, I literally left the hospital 24 hours after he was born because I felt so good (and the nurses were waking me up every hour anyway, so I figured, I might get more rest at home). I know that I definitely skew towards the easy end of the spectrum in terms of having a baby and recovering.
So, for both my leave with Charlie and my leave with Jack, one of the things that was hardest for me was getting in the swing of being home. You get a lot of validation being at work - whether that is just something as simple as someone agreeing with your idea in a meeting or your boss telling you that you are doing a good job. Being a parent is simultaneously the most loving and rewarding thing ever, as well as the most demanding and thankless thing ever. You teeter between the BIG smiles, BIG laughs, BIG kisses and the tears, tiredness, and tantrums (especially with Charlie being an almost 2-year old).
I'm blessed in that I really like what I do and really like who I do it with - and I have a really hard time turning off. I responded to work emails while I was in labor. And at 2am in the morning while I was feeding Jack. And the day after I had Jack. I would wake up at night (outside of feeding Jack) because I would remember something that I hadn't transitioned. (Am I looney or what?? I was already waking up 3-4 times a night to feed Jack and I WOKE UP MORE because I was worried about work). I felt... and sometimes feel... lonely at home and miss the contact and mental challenge of being at work.
At one point, about 4 weeks into my maternity leave I wondered - is 18 weeks too long? Should I have gone back sooner? I feel great, I'm healthy, maybe I don't need all of this time.
However, the more I have reflected on this topic, the more I have concluded that parental leave is really important - not just in terms of the physical recovery but also the psychological preparation for being back at work. There are two factors at play with this... First, there is the fact that babies at 8-weeks, 12-weeks, 16-weeks, or 18-weeks (in my case), are MUCH more self-sufficient than newborns. They eat less often, they often have a bit more of a schedule, and are closer to sitting up, eating food, etc. that marks huge milestones in their development making it actually easier to care for them. The second factor is a bit more complex, which is the psychological preparation of going back to work.
For me, I will admit, that right now, it feels really daunting to get two kids ready for daycare. Johnny and I LOVE our daycare and have had a wonderful experience with it; so, we are hopeful to continue in daycare rather than having a nanny. However, in reading back to my first posts on this blog, it used to be very daunting to get myself and Charlie out the door, but through flexing that muscle over and over again, it's generally pretty easy now.
I will also admit that going back to traveling right now feels pretty daunting. I have pre-guilt about travel (especially because my first trip will be one week in India) and how hard it will be for Johnny when I am gone. For example, one of the physical milestones that makes a DRAMATIC difference in getting yourself ready for the day is when your baby can hold a bottle themselves. This happened with Charlie between 5-6 months. So, on my first trip back, to get ready in the morning, Johnny will have to hold Jack for the 15-20 minutes that Jack eats his breakfast and won't really be able to do anything else in terms of getting either of them ready for daycare. So, for the first couple of months that I'm back at work, any work trip that I take will also mean that Johnny is sacrificing to allow me to do it. He is sacrificing sleep as well as time to do anything for himself outside of work hours. And, this assumes that both kids are healthy while I am gone; ironically, during most of the week-long work trips that I have taken Charlie has come down with a major fever, making the week even harder for Johnny.
I know that I can do it. I know that we can do it as a team and as a family. We have figured it out before. We have an awesome support system. I am healthy. My kids are healthy. We have a great childcare situation for our kids and they will be loved on while I am gone.
And yet, it's daunting. And a bit overwhelming.
Having 18-weeks at home is a blessing. But it has also allowed me the space and the time with Jack and with Charlie AND Jack to prepare to return. Not only will Jack be physically more ready and easier to take care of when I go back - but I will have had the time with him that will allow me to be psychologically ready to return myself.
I look forward to coming back to work... but for now, I will (and must) allow myself space to be present with my babies and my husband.
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