Fear & faith - a reaction to "what's really holding women back"

One of my team members recently shared this article with me about what is really holding women back in progression. I have been thinking about this topic a lot recently as I've thought of my reaction to the race conversation we have been having and have worked on personal goals around increasing the diversity on my team. The truth is, my team is pretty evenly represented at junior levels but among leaders on the team there are very few women (or minorities, or LGBTQ). So I've thought a lot about the inflection points that we all have in our careers as well as what makes it more likely for women to opt out of "fast track" careers.

While I have observed this a lot with a number of SUPER talented women who I have worked for, with and who have worked with me, I thought I would share some of my experiences with this.

When I was an analyst, my mentor and boss encouraged me to read Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg - and throughout my career, she has regrounded me to different chapters in the book. One of the chapters that I have thought about the most was the "don't leave before you leave" chapter. For those have not read the book, the premise is this: a lot of women start thinking about having kids in the future (even sometimes before they are married and/or dating) and decide that their current career trajectory will not be kid friendly and begin opting out - before it (meaning having kids and balancing work / life) is a "problem" they face. Her advice is wait until you have a problem and then making the decision with full facts vs. what you anticipate will be a problem in the future.

I have thought about this often - I have had several job offers outside of IBM in the past ten (can't believe it's 10!) years - but also within IBM, and one of the reasons that I have always stayed is that I have been on a strong trajectory and felt like it was worth waiting to see how it was when I got there.

Several years ago, as I was up for promotion to Associate Partner, I was offered a role in HR. My husband and I were seriously thinking about having kids and I was on an incredibly challenging and demanding project - personally and professionally - and the thought of having a less demanding role with a bit more flexibility was appealing. The kicker though was that the role in HR was a very, very small pay raise while I knew that the promotion to Associate Partner would be much more substantial. The same mentor and boss (plus my husband) really encouraged me to stick it out - I did not have kids yet, cross that bridge when I get there - and so I stayed.

About one year later, my husband and I were expecting our first child, our daughter. I have written about this before but to say I was freaked out about how I could continue to do my job well while doing my new mom job well was an understatement. At the time, I had never worked for or with a woman at IBM who had children, so although I was aware of several outside of my immediate network and had talked to a couple, I hadn't gotten to personally see the schedules, balancing and boundaries that they had. Most of the men I worked with are fathers, but many (if not all) traveled very significantly and their spouses stayed home; something my husband is not and was not planning to do -- and significant travel being something I did not and do not want to do. I knew I wanted to be a mom who had dinner with my kids at night (most nights at least), who tucked them in, who knew their teachers, who heard about their day.

Many of my leaders were the recipients of teary phone calls from me trying to articulate the panic I felt in this moment. One of them connected me with Kelly Chambliss, who now leads GBS North America and is a mom of two young kids, who guided me back to similar advice from Lean In. In the call with her, I was exploring whether I should move into other teams that might allow me to limit my travel and she asked me - Did I like who I was working for and with? (Yes.) Did I feel like I had good sponsorship? (Yes.) Did I feel like they would work with me to figure out how to try to make this work? (Yes.) Based on my answers to those questions, her suggestion was to stick it out with the people I know and trust and who know me and trust me -- and that if it became hard to manage after having our daughter, to cross that bridge when I got there - and so I stayed.

(She was right by the way - I have since worked for several different people, all who have been completely committed to helping me navigate it and completely respectful of any boundaries I have set, including as those demands have changed during COVID).

While on maternity leave with Charlie, someone floated me a program that allowed employees (though I read this as: moms) to come back to work part time. But while that may work in some parts of our business, my job isn't really a part time job. I'm not really measured by the hours I work but by the results I drive. And driving results part time is tough. So, I decided that I didn't think that program was for me.

More recently, I was offered a role that would allow me to focus on more local clients; but reflecting on this advice that has guided me, I thought about how I'm not traveling at all right now, I get to have dinner with my kids every night, and how client travel in the future is really unclear - who knows when we will go back, but I have felt effective, have been able to move the ball forward remotely, I am motivated by the work that I am doing and absolutely love the clients I'm working with, people who I am working for, people I am working with, and team that I've built, and so I stayed.

Everyone has a ton of inflection points in their career and these inflection points are not unique.

Consulting is a small world and it is not uncommon to have recruiters reaching out to you on LinkedIn about different opportunities; every day, we all face small choices that shape where we end up. But as I reflect on each of these small choices, I have constantly had to decide (and redecide, and push myself) to stay in the career trajectory I am in. I have been encouraged to take different, internal, part time roles.

Reading this article made me wonder - do men get these same offers? do men explore these same offers? These roles were not offered to me out of the blue. If I am being honest with myself, they were offered to me by people who wanted to help me navigate the panic that I was articulating - pre-having kids and while I was pregnant. People trying to help me. People trying to help me see that there were other options for me.

Without a doubt young Dads face the same struggle that young Moms do. But, I do think we have a cultural challenge for young women about the challenges we will face in careers - and we almost psych ourselves out as much as others limit us in trajectory.

In fact, I almost think it's quite the opposite for me (and I am lucky); my biggest challenge is not others limiting me - it's me limiting myself.

Both in trajectory - but also in beating myself up, in having a hard time setting boundaries, in struggling with guilt when I do.

The numbers in the HBR article point to a broader and common challenge; but for me, the challenge may be systemic, but the biggest challenge in overcoming it is overcoming my own mental conditioning - and being brave enough to have faith in leaders who want to make change - and have faith in myself to plod through it.