On Losing My Dad and Learning Lessons from Him Along the Way

I lost my Dad, Theodore Groom, on November 26 - and the past 10 days has been fairly overwhelming - both in terms of the outpouring of love that my family and I have experienced and also at how hard it has been to lose someone who has been a major pillar of my life.

My Dad started a law firm in 1975, called Groom Law Group, that focuses on employee benefits law - and is in fact the largest employee benefits law firm in the country. My Dad was very well known in the employee benefits law space, having been integral in the drafting of the Employee Retirement Income Security Act of 1974 (known as ERISA). He was the recipient of many "best of" awards throughout his legal career, including being listed as a Best Lawyer in America for 26 years. If you are interested in learning more about my Dad:

Obituary

Groom Law - Remembrance of Ted Groom

He was a titan - a mountain of a man.

I, of course, knew many sides of my Dad: the adventurer who hitch hiked from Arlington, Virginia to Kansas and who flew (and crashed) his own airplane; the golfer whose putts always went in but sometimes topped in from the fairway; the music lover who listened to music every single night of my life (almost always in his blue chair by the fire place) listening to everything from The Phantom of the Opera to Yanni to Celine Dion; the doting Dad who made it to almost every game and would always answer the phone when I called no matter what meeting he was in.

Over the past week, however, I have heard from many, many friends, colleagues, and former clients about my Dad and his career - and I've learned a lot of new things about my Dad. One former client described my Dad as one of the most creative people that he'd ever worked with. Another described him as the most honorable people he'd ever met.

In these reflections, a couple of things have stood out to me as important lessons in business and in life:

1. Treat everyone - adversaries and allies, alike - with respect and dignity. In his eulogy to my Father, a partner in the law firm who had worked with my Dad for 50 years said he did not think that they had ever shared a sharp word with each other. A lawyer for another firm shared with me that he was often representing clients who were on opposite sides of issues from my Dad's clients but that my Dad always navigated those conflicts with the upmost respect for others. 
   
   Over the past week, I have read a number of exchanges that my Dad and I had, sometimes on very challenging topics. My Dad had a beautiful way of being firm while being loving and kind, that is truly remarkable.
   
   I will admit that this is not always my strongest trait. I know that particularly when I get frustrated, I can adopt an irritated tone. It is something I have worked to improve personally in the past. However, it stands out as one of the most important ways to honor my Dad as I go forward into the future - showing and giving respect to others through my tone and my words.
   
   One story I loved from the funeral was from a dear family friend who was a member of Congress. My Dad was fairly conservative politically and this member of Congress was a Democrat. As a side note, I worked for this member of Congress for 6 years in high school and college and a long term joke was that my Dad feared that he would "make me a democrat!" There was some crisis where the member of Congress was being beaten up in the press and my Dad called him and offered to write letters to the editor of all of his home papers noting what a wonderful and honorable man he was. This stood out to me as something special - and something often missing today - going to bat for someone who is on a "different team" than you; making sure that a good person is not unnecessarily attacked.
   
   
2. Personal and professional integrity. This was a value of my Dad's that I knew well - while growing up, he always said there was nothing that I could do that would disappoint him - EXCEPT if I lied about it. I've heard over and over again what an honorable man my Dad was, including many stories that he would always do the right thing even when it was not in his best interest. You knew when dealing with my Dad that you would be treated well and get the truth, no matter what.
   
   
3. "Getting fired can be a good thing for your career" - but really - take risks and have confidence in your own value. In reflecting on founding Groom Law Group, my Dad wrote, "getting fired can be a good thing for your career!" My Dad was working for the law firm of Hedrick and Lane when he and another associate, Carl Nordberg, felt that they were not being fairly compensated for the business that they brought into the firm. He and Carl went to the management and asked to be made partners or else they would leave - and much to their surprise, they were not made partners and were asked to leave. 
   
   In reality, this move was somewhat shocking for people who knew my Dad later in life. My Dad was a pretty risk averse person. However, he knew that he was contributing significantly and took the risk to stand up for himself - even if it meant going out on his own.
   
   
4. Your success is predicated on those around you. My Dad wrote that the secret of his success was dependent on hiring and mentoring several key people who would go on to be leaders in the firm and titans of employee benefits law themselves. On my Dad's 80th birthday, we put together a book of letters for him from his family, friends and colleagues. Over and over in these letters, people thanked him for taking the time to mentor them and teach them how to be good lawyers. My Dad invested time in this and believed that his success was dependent on others success. Likewise, he wrote that a key value of the firm was making sure that each person had reasonable opportunities to succeed based on their own merits - and he focused on making sure people had opportunities to shine.
   
   
5. Take the time to build personal relationships with your colleagues and clients. Over the past few years, my Dad has not been in good health. But, he still loved going down to the firm and catching up with people. Really, it was only when COVID hit that he stopped going in. I've heard from many people how my Dad went out of his way to show personal interest in them and their families, going out of his way to celebrate their children's victories, mourn as they lost family members, and cheer them on in personal successes. Two stories stand out to me: one lawyer was a known runner and always ran at lunch time. One day my Dad waited for him by the doors and challenged him to race. My Dad was 6'6", very lanky, not well coordinated, and rather slow - so you can imagine who won the race. This story tickled me because I could just imagine my Dad coming up with the idea to challenge him to a race, waiting with a wry smile outside of the doors of their office building, and getting such a kick out of challenging this man (this runner!) to a race. Separately, the new Executive Partner of Groom told me that when her father died, he stopped by her office and said that since 1978 when his father died, there was not a day that went by that he didn't think of his Dad. I certainly know the same will be true of me.
   
   Really - at the end of the day, one thing that stands out to me is how many people have reached out to me to say that they worked with my Dad but at the end of the day he was their friend. 
   
   
6. Go out of our way to do the right thing for your employees. An original Groom and Nordberg value was "our clients are important and so are we"; after a firm restructuring in in the late 1990s, values were added to include measuring employees by objective measures, emphasis on diversity including color blind hiring and an emphasis on supporting female talent. In 1980, a young associate was pregnant with her first child. My Dad created a maternity leave policy for the firm immediately when she told him she was pregnant. These topics are very of the day now; in the 1980s and 1990s, they were not. However, I think central to my Dad was knowing that if you do the right thing for your employees, they will be loyal to you and do the right things for your clients. I love the value "our clients are important and so are we" - we are each human beings who need to bring ourselves to work and be valued.

There are many things that I've learned this past week that I would love to ask my Dad about. My Dad authored the fiduciary responsibility part of ERISA and I'd love to know what was going through his mind as he wrote it. My Dad found an office catty corner to the White House and occupied the floor above the Committee to Re-Elect Nixon -- during the Watergate crisis -- I'd love to know what his perspective on all of it was. My Dad wrote that the gradual growth of the firm was why it was successful - I know that there were many mergers considered and I'd love to know why he decided against them.

I'm sure many others have found themselves in this position as well - we don't realize we have these questions until there is no longer someone we can ask. But, in the mean time, I know that I will try to honor my Dad's legacy in my own work by honoring the values and practices he became known for.