5 Tips for Young Females to Find a Voice at the (Virtual) Table

I attended an all girls school that was wonderful for many reasons; one of which was a tag line, "Madeira girls have something to say." A big element of the curriculum was fostering discussion among the girls, and encouraging each student to speak up and share their views. I have reflected since that this may have been one of the areas where I had some early practice that has helped me long term in my career.

This week, I was asked to share my experience / tips on how to have a voice at the table; a more junior resource on my team expressed that she was struggling mightily with feeling like she could not get a word in edge wise and is constantly being talked over. Her mentor shared with me that she noted that there is a lot of yielding the floor when two people start to talk at the same time and a lot of "oh sorry, go ahead Joe."

This has been something that I have worked on a lot through my career - and something man / woman, young / old, we all need to work on in terms of having a presence and communicating clearly in a group situation. And, this is something that has changed a ton in the shift to virtual - things that worked great earlier in my career in physical workshops (holding a finger up, standing up when I was the facilitator) are tools that are not available to us most of the time now.

One specific note is that my tactics on this have had to change over time. In particular, men tend to be able to more directly challenge points in conversations; as a woman, this was something that often came across as harsh / brash. A tactic that I used a lot as a more junior resource was opening my challenge with "can you help me understand" (more on this below). However, as I became an executive, I received good feedback that from a presence perspective I was being too deferential to my (older male) peers and I needed to find comfort in having a more clear, direct voice. 

Here are some things that I have found helpful:

1. Have your video on and use some of in person tools (finger / hand up) through the video. I have somewhat mixed feelings about video - early in the pandemic, I encouraged everyone to have their videos on; I (and others) started to burn out on video and I started taking "video breaks." But, without a doubt, having your video on makes it easier for people to see non-verbal cues (and even just your face trying to say something). And - dress for the call (at least on top, no one knows if you are wearing yoga pants! I actually never wear yoga pants but am almost always wearing sneakers because I like to walk on calls). Looking professional helps with this - and helps you take yourself seriously in the process.
2. As the facilitator, build in points to ask questions in your agenda and presentation materials. A big element of this that can help is controlling the screen. Virtually, one tool that can help is moving people along in the slides; or if a heated conversation is happening stopping sharing your slides to bring people back together and help "interrupt" visually. As a participant, if you are having trouble breaking in and have a visual to show, take control of the screen.
3. Don't yield the floor and don't give up! This takes practice and is uncomfortable when you first start. AND don't apologize when two people are speaking up (the "oh sorry, go ahead Joe"). Not to go on a soap box but women tend to apologize for things that don't require an apology! You didn't do anything wrong by speaking at the same time as someone else, no need to apologize. As a note, when I started doing this, it could feel like I was yelling when doing this earlier in my career. Doing this without raising your voice requires practice, but if you feel like you are yelling while you are doing this, you are probably doing the right thing!
4. Use people's names when asking a question. So, not "I was wondering," but "Joe, I was wondering." This is actually one of my favorite tools that I often use today. Also, as a facilitation technique, stating someone's name then asking your question, and then stating their name again can be a very useful tool - and helpful for them as it allows them to think about the answer while you are asking the question.
5. More on Can you help me understand. In a heated conversation where people are disagreeing with your point, it CAN be helpful opening the question or challenge on it as "I was thinking about it this way, can you help me understand your perspective?" or "My understanding is that your POV is X. A concern I have with that approach is Y. Can you help me understand how X would work (or how X would enable Y; or why Y is less of a concern)". As I noted above, as I became an executive, this was less effective with my peers and I received the feedback that I need to be more clear and direct in the point that I was trying to make. I still find this a helpful tool with my team - but I actually use it more to try to encourage thinking rather than make my points. So instead of saying, I think you have a gap in risk management, saying "can you help me understand how you are thinking about risk", allowing the team member to share something they have already considered, or think through the problem without me giving the answer.

Finally, a call to action for leaders - recognize when someone is not participating, and help them share their voice. If you hear someone trying to chime in, call on them. And, recognize that your more junior female talent has a harder time with this than your more junior male talent and help them navigate this.