"Who's Taking Care of Your Kids?"

I've recently returned to somewhat frequent work travel. In that return to travel, I have been reminded of the question that most got under my skin pre-pandemic. Without fail, when I am traveling for work, someone will say to me some version of:

"it's so great you are here! but.... who is with the kids?????"

"Is your mom watching the kids while you are gone?"

"Is your nanny spending the night at the house while you are gone?"

I often think this tremendously well meaning question - that is almost always said in a tone of empathy (wow! you are doing so much! how are you taking care of your kids too?) - is really actually a pretty offensive question to my husband. The assumption is that my husband could not POSSIBLY be with the kids while I am gone - and if he is, he most certainly could not be alone.

I am a HUGE Dr. Becky Kennedy fan and recently listened to two of her podcasts - one with Reshma Saujani - the founder of Girls Who Code, and one with Eve Rodsky - the author of Fair Play, on how to stop doing it all. The themes in these podcasts were very interwoven; with Reshma talking about the importance of gender neutral leave policies, incenting men to take parental leave and Eve talking about not taking on all of the processes within your own house in addition to your job - doing all the grocery shopping, cooking, etc. etc. etc.

When I started writing this blog, I wrote it for the younger women I worked with; I had never worked with a mom at the time and so hadn't heard first hand things like how they scheduled their day or shared workload with their partner. One of the biggest surprises that I've had is how many young Dads resonate with the things that I wrote - and how left behind they feel in much of the discussion about working parents. The Dad's want to be present - want to be part of bedtime or storytime at their kids school or taking their kids to practice. There is almost a generational gap; and a big cultural shift between the days of moms predominately staying at home and dads predominately being breadwinners to now, where increasingly families have two working parents. 

Along with that, there is almost a dynamic of young Dads being left behind in the discussion about working parents.

I'm tremendously lucky that my husband isn't just "okay" to be with the kids - most of the time, he's probably better at it than me (!). But, if I take a step back, I realize that I am very lucky that I have a true partner in parenting who is equally comfortable in all of the parenting duties as me and that many couples do not share our parenting dynamic.

I was saying recently to another mom that I think my work travel has actually helped us create this balance. In taking maternity leave, I was the one who did all the baby stuff... obviously! I was breastfeeding and I was home - so I did pediatrician appointments, etc. etc. When I went back to work, it was easy to just keep doing it because I was the one who had been. And also - I LIKED doing it. I WANTED to do it. I didn't really give Johnny the opportunity or space to do any of it. So, on one of my first big work trips - going to the UK for a week, when Charlie got an ear infection, I obviously couldn't do it - AND felt tremendous guilt and anxiety about it! - and we started to reset a bit. 

In the Dr. Becky podcast with Reshma, she talked about the importance of paternity leave but also the importance of having paternity leave AND encouraging men to take it. She was acknowledging the dynamic that many companies who have paternity have cultures that don't actually support men taking paternity leave. The value of paternity leave doesn't extend just in the newborn period - though there is value in that. The value of paternity leave is establishing both parents as equal caregivers, which is a value that extends throughout the course of parenting.

I have a number of young parents on my team, including a number of young Dads, two of whom have just returned from paternity leave. I've asked them to write a "guest blog" about their experience on paternity leave reflecting on the following questions:

1. Did you consider NOT taking your full paternity leave?

2. Did you have any career worries about taking your paternity leave?
*Side note: I forget if I've written this or not, but for all three leaves, I was at somewhat critical moments of my career and was very nervous about taking the full leave. One year, I was up for partner and worried that I was creating a major problem for myself. I had to talk myself into taking the full leave each time. I am so glad that I took my full leave - it was actually the right thing for me personally and professionally.

3. What was the paternity leave transition like?

4. What was a favorite memory from paternity leave?

5. How do you feel like taking paternity leave established / changed your role as a parent?