Being Serena and musings about parent guilt

On the flight home from the UK, I watched 3 episodes of Being Serena and found myself enraptured by it -- not for the production value or story line really, but because I found it fascinating watching her talk about several of the things that I have struggled with myself (and written about on this blog) like traveling for work, how to be the best at what you do while being an awesome parent, when to stop breastfeeding vis a vis your work demands. It's easy to put people like Serena Williams into an "other" category of "she has so much more ... than me so it must be easier for her" (Insert whatever you want into the ... - resources, talent, support, etc.). And yet, as many of us noted based on her recent US Open win, many of it is harder for her. For example, if anyone else was in back to back major finals, they wouldn't debate whether or not the person had come back; in fact, that could be a career achievement for many!

She said two things that really resonated with me:

1. "Fear has always been valuable in my life. Without it, there is nothing to overcome. The struggle to overcome fear is important, the struggle is how you build strength."
2. "I hope that I appreciate how strong {the mother's in her life} had to be so often; this strength is a new strength that I've really had to get used to."

On my last post, I vented a bit about how many people asked questions about what childcare arrangements I had for Charlie and how this was not a question asked of men; Vijay commented that it, indeed, was asked of him.

I was thinking about that a bit more, and while I think it probably IS STILL TRUE that this question is more likely to be asked of women; I also wrote about it from a bit of a defensive place -- I was feeling guilty about leaving my family, and so the questions made me feel even more like I was doing something I should be guilty about.

This brings me back to the two Serena quotes -- and how I reflect on my own experience as a working parent. I've written about how when I was coming back to work, I was very anxious about how I would do it, how I would come to back to work, how I would be able to remain as good as I was at my job while balancing the demands of baby. I've also written about how the more I try for balance, the easier it is to find it, recognizing that not everything is going to work. For example, while I have been traveling -- and even doing some pretty intense travel (e.g., 2 trips to the UK in 1 month), I also have also judiciously said no to some travel.

I had a long talk with one of my bosses and mentors about "work life balance" -- or whatever the appropriate term is ... integration, seeing your family, being present -- and one of the things he said about it was that the prioritization that I'm figuring out now will only keep me more and more sane as I take on more challenging, demanding and high stakes roles. It really comes back to Serena's comment to that this is all a process of building new kinds of strength -- whether emotional, figuring out how to set better boundaries, or pushing guilt thoughts out of your mind. But as Serena said, to have strength, you have to struggle.

As I reflect on my parenting journey so far - parenting inspires a lot of FUsD (a remix on the consulting term of FUD - fear, uncertainty and {self} doubt). 

On this most recent trip (my longest time away from my daughter), I worried about (admittedly stupid things) whether Charlie would still want me when I came home, whether Johnny was feeling frustrated or like I'd left too much on his plate, whether people (personally, professionally) were judging me for how long I was traveling, etc. etc. etc. But, I think Johnny and Charlie basically had a great time together, Charlie still loves me (obviously), who cares if people were judging me, and all is well on the home front.


To build strength or overcome fear, you have to flex your muscle. To move through guilt, you have to do things, not just worry about them.