Paternity {Leave} Matters

This blog is a guest blog written by two members of my team who have recently returned from paternity leave. I asked them to write this upon reflecting on the most common question I get when I travel for work: "Who's taking care of your kids?" I wrote a whole blog on this subject is, but the net / net is that I think an answer to helping women have a more significant role in the workplace is enabling Dad's to be equal caregivers to their kids - a big element of which is paternity leave. 

IBM has an awesome parental leave package - for all parents. But, I've heard many examples of men more or less being gaslit about taking their leave. "What are you going to do?" "You're not really busy, right - let's talk for a couple of minutes", "how are you going to hit your targets if you take leave?" (obviously this is a problem for women in sales TOO!)! Thankfully, in the current era, I think this "shaming" around leave doesn't happen as much for women - but it does happen for young Dads - and we need to shift that dynamic.

I was really freaked out about taking parental leave and what it would mean for my career. 2 of my 3 leaves, I wondered if I should take less leave. But I realized that I was one of the first women (and men!) to take parental leave in a long time for many of the people who I work with. So, if I didn't have the fortitude to take my leave (and enjoy it, damnit!), I realized I would be a literally horrific example for everyone around me. 

As a side note, Will & Ryan's answer to Question 2 below was one of my biggest realizations on parental leave. People step up and do an amazing job filling in for you. The world keeps spinning without you. You have awesome little people who are dependent on you, so it's easy to prioritize them (most of the time).

I started writing this blog to publicly speak about some of the issues I was facing so that other younger women wouldn't feel alone. I hope you'll read the perspectives of two of my colleagues below to hear about their experience with paternity leave. And - as a side note, they are top contributors, rocking it in their careers, and will do great this year, Dad(s) and all.

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Written by:

Will Grande, Senior Managing Consultant, Dad to Harper

Ryan Watts, Senior Managing Consultant, Dad to Stella

Being a working parent is a challenge – something we’ve learned firsthand over the last few months. It is an absolute joy – one that could also be described as another full-time job and the greatest “change impact” in life.

As new parents for the first time, it’s hard to imagine what not having Paid Family Leave would’ve looked like. We’re both incredibly blessed to work at a place like IBM - one that puts our families first. Frankly, we can’t imagine having survived the last few months without the opportunity to support our partners and newborns all while enjoy the ride along the way.

We’ve enjoyed seeing our tiny little humans give us their first smiles when they start recognizing not just our voices, but also our faces. Family leave has provided the time and space to enjoy the routine tasks that have taken on whole new meaning – like taking strolls around the neighborhood or park nearby as family or enjoying a late family lunch. Without a dedicated step away from work, it wouldn’t have been possible to enjoy setting up the nursery, hanging the pictures with care, or arranging all the new baby books just so.

But taking time away from work in a fast-moving consulting environment doesn’t come without some trepidations. So, we thought we’d approach some frequently asked questions through the lens of our collective recent experience as new parents in an equally (if not more so) fast-paced first-time parenting experience:

1) Did you think about whether you should take all your paternity leave?

Let’s first acknowledge that not every employer is as generous with Family Leave as IBM is. With the opportunity for up to 12 weeks of leave (3 months!), we had to first make a family plan to account for childcare and our spouses’ needs & plans as well. Neither of us had any concerns about taking the full 12 weeks. But the beauty of IBM’s policy is that it is flexible, and we both saved at least a couple of weeks in an era of COVID and the inevitable childcare / child sickness so that we could make sure we had full coverage for our little ones.

It meant a lot to us that our leadership not only encouraged us to use the full allotment of time, but to be forward thinking in how we used it. And that, no matter our choice, we would have the full support of the larger team. Family comes first here.

2) Did you have any concerns about what taking leave would do to your career?

It’s totally normal to have this concern – we both did to varying extents. Our concerns had just as much to do about ‘us’ as individuals as they were about our teams and those we manage. Would those we manage be supported without us around for a while? Would we sacrifice any progress we’d made toward promotion? Would the clients we support keep getting what they need to be successful?

We can’t speak to everyone’s experience elsewhere, but with the commitment to support new parents has also driven a culture wherein everyone is empowered to step up and lean in. What did we learn when we came back from leave? 

Those we managed had the opportunity to learn & grow in new ways because they were empowered and had the opportunity to further expand their networks in our absence. Our teammates leaned in and picked up the slack with our clients. And, in an interesting twist, becoming a parent taught us a bunch of life lessons and about ourselves that are already impacting how we manage, lead, and team with others. 

Through that lens, our paternity leaves not only created opportunities for others, but set us up for further success going forward.

3) What was the transition like into paternity leave?

We were both surprised at how easy the transition was. There weren’t a bunch of hoops to jump through – just some forward thinking and planning to make sure any loose ends we were handing off were accounted for. 

All the people we work with were all universally supportive and understood that reaching out to us, especially in the early days, was a no-go – again a testament to the culture of support & camaraderie.

All of that made the transition as easy as possible, especially considering becoming a parent is such a change & challenge. We were able to focus in on making sure our families had what they needed without having to worry about work. And trust us, we needed every little bit of peace of mind!

4) How did leave change your role as a parent?

The thinking about paternity leave has evolved so much over the last few decades. We’ve both spoken to many men in our families and beyond who didn’t have much, if any, leave. Having the opportunity to be more of a co-equal caregiver for both our children and our partners is lifechanging – and the bond created as a family through that time together is truly priceless.

Getting to hold our children’s hands, read them books, play with them, feed them, and have those first little interactions will warm our hearts forever. And it just wouldn’t have been possible without leave.

5) How did leave change your role as a consultant?

Certainly, we are still in the early days, but I think we both noticed a discernible impact in how we approach our teams, those we manage, and the level of empathy we have for people more broadly.

We know we might be a broken record at this point, but parenting is so hard. No matter how much reading and preparation you do, you won’t really understand what it’s like until the first all-nighter and loud cries start flying. But it all serves a purpose.

It really resets what’s important about where you spend your energy, which battles you fight, and how to support others (not just your partner and child). It’s one of those ‘live trainings’ or ‘PhD’s in Real Life’ that has so many ancillary benefits to how we approach our jobs.

And with the established foundation created by our Paternity Leave, it made it that much easier to return to work, confident in our abilities, energized, and ready to strive higher professionally and as new Dads.